Numbed = Dead

Just when I thought I was already inured to the pain, yeah, being all a veteran of goodbyes and then some, it hit me. The realization more than anything else is what jarred this being. All the sweetness was there, one cannot ask enough of that, but now it left a big hole like a sugar stuck in a pan, turned black & burnt really painfully. Pity the heart that has gotten used to much sweetness for there would sure be plenty to miss. Again, after many years of a sweet, exhilarating, sometimes anxiety-filled but very beautiful moments, the heart's subject is once more on the sandy path in the middle of nowhere. To toil somewhere far away to ward off hardships of the past months. When he has no choice but to leave lest all sanities turn into human frailties. Sad parting it was, bade our farewells, the numerous I love you's mouthed off in person, while in tight embrace, during the kiss and after, and over the phone hours before that big air bus took off.. Thought I'm beyond all that pain but now it left me with the kind of depression reserved only for when someone close to you really died and went into the spiritual realm. And now, this spirit must be forced to keep moving even if all it intends to do for the next couple of days, probably weeks, even months, is to just stay inert. Sadly, being alive doesn't numb us from the frustrations and loneliness. Not even music can desensitize the soul or let the heart not feel the pinch of worlds being torn apart by situation and circumstances. Where the only thing we can rely on are the beating of our hearts, to make sure it would remain in synch throughout time, space and distance.

I Know It's Not Easy

Having me in your life is like a constant rush of adrenaline and a dash of placebo at the same time- - boosting one moment and stabilizing the next. I know, it’s not easy being me nor is it any easier being you while constantly falling for me. Years would remain witness to all our trepidations, the pitfalls we try so hard to get ourselves into..both taking risks. I know it’s not easy. Falling in love w/me for one thing is quite an insurmountable task. With my silly insecurities now and then, the slight immaturity and grating childishness, the tendency to keep asking questions. I know it’s not easy. But I know too that without me you’d miss those sweet tender affirmations of affection, the twinkle in my eyes and the heart that returns the smile from your own, those SMS in the morning laced in saccharine brilliance. Yes I know too the smile, the nod of appreciation you’ve shown at those moments that once passed will never return. and together we bask in all those things and more..even if yes, we know it’s not easy..

Mix fix

just when you're starting to get swayed by the saccharine pronouncements, it was suddenly followed by a mildly bitter vitriolic barb you almost tasted bile. then the sweetness resumes, but this time it has a certain spiciness to it. the mix is what you're living with for close to a decade. it does intoxicate although at times it offers if not a discomfort some form of nausea before you're taken back to the exhilaration. makes one feel like a specialty cake on a blender - something to either enjoy or endure.

Top 20 songs for me this 2011 (the shortest list)

It's probably a bit too early.  I normally do this in December but with just a little more than a month to go I am listing again the songs that have somehow made it to my LSS list of the year.  There were a lot of great songs that came out this year.  Some of them re-makes (mostly the Filipino songs) and I did not add the OPM greats this time although a lot of them did capture the eardrums this year especially those songs they used in the telenovelas. These songs that I made it to the shortest list I could come up with comprise of those tunes that have rung in my ears countless times.  Those songs that even when they aren't actually playing you still can hear them in your brain.  There might be a new hit to come out before the year ends, but usually those songs are carried forward to the next year just like some of the songs here that were originally released last year but only gained much playtime in 2011 and went mainstream into my bloodstream this year so this is just about my list for the year:

LIMITLESS

kept hearing about the unlimited this, unlimited that.  Everything has its limits except some limitless things. Like the heartbeat that goes on forever, the music that doesn't stop playing, deep inside. And yet somehow its limitless is limiting to the self..

CHANCES' NUANCES

    Everyday we are given chances by life..by people, loved ones. Some of us take it for granted while some are aware of it and take advantage of the way we are offered these chances.

    There are some chances that lead to changes, as there are chances that we should not take at all if we don't want things to change. Chances are, whatever the chance we're given there is a considerable change somewhere.

   The other day a friend was asking if she should give somebody a chance. Apparently their is a stumbling block to the relationship they had. This got me thinking that while we are giving someone a second chance, maybe a third, or fourth chance even, we are also opening up ourselves to a limitless array of - - chances.

    It's like giving ourselves a chance as well, the option to take life or the relationship to another level, whereas even if misgivings or shortcomings are discovered it's now on another plane..knowing we could never go back to the earlier category when troubles are miles away.

   To face up to the challenge of entering into a different point in the relationship to see how much we can handle. That is a chance we take for the choices we made.

   It's never-ending..chance definitely has its nuances..whether we chanced upon a good fortune or not depends again on the next chance we take..and on and on it goes..

Of Hues and You

the color it turns from red to blue, sometimes gets hit by green (yes, a very nasty green)..then turns grey..

And before you let it brown the path, it turns slightly yellow, somehow getting to orange then back to red again.

You fill the life with these hues, but then the rainbows when it gets too much just becomes too painful for the eyes and mind to take. Ah! but then the colors, that is all we live for, right? LIke music that one can't live without.

Without the hues, there can never be you just as without you, the hues, well they will forever get me singing the blues..