Friday, November 28, 2008

Mama-on her 15th Death Anniversary (Nov. 25, 2008)

Can't believe it's been 15 years since that fateful day of 25th November, 1993. I can still remember an entry I wrote on my journal (back in those days when blogs have yet to hit mainstream) and I quote, 'my mom died so I could live'.

No, she did not gave up her life so that I'll survive, I'm not referring to a medical emergency but I meant that as a metaphorical. Because back then I was uber-shy even in school, someone so afraid to take risks, being too dependent on the love, care and support of my mom. Actually, the same thing can also be said of my siblings. All of us then look up to our mother as the be all and end all of our existence. Back then, living without her seemed unimaginable. That had been a greatest fear for me to lose her.. And suddenly, without warning, an accident took her away from us forever and henceforth transformed us all.

Soon, I was drawn into another universe, finding myself inside her world then. Mama used to work in sales and I sort of took off from where she left, getting in touch w/ her clients and before I knew it, I was already a part of the most volatile department at work. Pitted against super-competitive and very aggressive individuals, not too mention some petty to the not-so-petty intrigues that came my way. I would say I didn't come out of that unscathed, though somehow that made me stronger. Plus, being in sales opened me up to a lot of endless possibilities, with loads of cash to burn too. And I have gained worthwhile and very fun experiences just being part of the world of sales. I couldn't have lived that life (was almost running in the fast lane) if I remained glued inside my shell when Mama was alive.

Now I think I have just one regret - I could have jump-started my life much earlier and not waited before she's gone so that she and I could enjoy the lifestyle that I enjoyed back then. Could have taken her out to dinner, to girls' nights out. I know she would have loved that. For Mama was a very friendly person, very outgoing and warm at the same time. She also loved music, songs, the movies, dancing. Mama always had kind words for everyone and a good listener and adviser too that she was often sought out by friends whenever they have problems, even young people seek her out. Those friends of my brother and sister who are experiencing heartaches, etc. They would all seek her out. And I would have loved to seek her out too when my heart broke the first time as it now habitually does..

Mama never went out to parties, no bar-hoppings or nights out like I was wont to do. For she was all too caring, always putting her children first, reserving all her time and energy for her family. Even on that very day she had that accident (on this same date), she was actually hard at work earning her keep to put food on our table. She was about to return to her office after seeing her clients and to get her commissions for the sales made that date when it happened. Never thought that her life, our light, would all be gone in a matter of seconds. In much the same way that the speeding truck hit her as she crossed the road. And now I can only look back and say a prayer and a million thanks to her, for the love and care and strength she has shown and given us.

To thank her too for introducing me to a life, though imperfect, is still something to be treasured and find solace in. And for teaching me to cherish people while we still have them around, to appreciate even the littlest gestures, the simplest hi or hello, to be happy with the thought that while nothing is permanent, being alive to feel pain and sadness and experience their counterpart of happiness and joy is enough. That indeed, I can always tell myself that I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE, even if in time I too would reach the end of my journey...