CLOUDS

clouds - looking fluffy, almost cute at times.
but when it darkens, oh, how the heart must weaken..
not knowing where to turn when it suddenly decides
to burst forth and pour torrents of rain.
scattering, unrelenting...what once appear harmless,
would sadly turn careless.
when it seems each curl supposedly taking you close to heaven
is after all making your life such a burden.
CLOUDS.. cuddly one moment, deadly the next..

HEART VS MIND (and how they worked out a temporary truce)

HEART: Why do you hate me so much?

MIND: I don't hate you. I just think you're so hard-headed and just want to give you a piece of my mind. I don't feel any hatred at all.

HEART: I think you're just jealous coz I have a lot of feelings. I don't do brain-Freeze and I'm not numb.

MIND: Oh, yes you may not be numb but you are also plain DUMB. And duh? You don't even think. If you have half a brain as I do, you wouldn't even go around brandishing those so-called 'feelings'. I mean what are those anyway but just your own delusions.

HEART: That's not true. What is real is that warm emotion that passes each time you see the smile on your beloved, or the passion that goes with the twinkle of his eyes. And the smell of forever in his kiss..

MIND: Ah! You're so hopeless! I've done everything I can to make you realize your follies but guess I'd just have to give up. And even if I'm contemplating whether to shove you down to the level just underneath the lungs and the intestines and share equal footing with where gas must pass (read: ass) or to squeeze you tighter via my mind over matter power so that you will bleed to death, I won't do so however tempting that is.

I just realizeD that without my help you often break yourself into pieces anyway.

(and with that, the mind left the heart beating through the sound of it's own music).

It Must Have Been Love? (Oh, puhhleeze!)

Okay, I know that is one of my favorite songs in the early 90's and somehow became my LSS for a few days since the pronouncements of the Philippines' so-called "Queen of all media' when summing up her marriage to a basketball hero and the imminent end of it. But I can't actually agree with her on the use of that song.

I don't think that's love when you try to analyze the whole thing. Maybe a little more of 'lust'. I don't hate that lady (happen to admire her a lot, actually because of her guts and for making things happen in her life, the success and all that jazz) but summing up their relationship through that song might be a bit off. Or maybe it's true that she may have deluded herself for some years that it was love to the point that she actually thought until this very moment that she was in love then. But being in love with someone in the whole sense of the word does not equate trying to throw mud at him in the public's eye. However much that person hurt you, if it's a beautiful kind of love that you shared you simply keep mum when it's over. In pained silence. And it would be doubly painful to paint the guy in a bad light especially after that same guy is showing the world that he is after all willing to work things out and apologize.

So I can probably say with conviction that it must not have been love but some other thing. Some other emotion that these two people shared. Probably coming close to it but not necessarily the kind of LOVE as we know it. For love does not end, it's not like a bottle of wine or a glass of milk that once consumed will suddenly run empty. One does not grow tired of loving. If you get tired of it then that is not love to begin with.

I should know. And if it's love you never mention the word OVER. For even if the object of your affection turns his back on you and when hurtful words are spoken, and you need to get off each others' throats for a few days, or months, years even, that will remain in your heart. It never goes away, like cancer that has no cure. And it will never cross your mind to tell people, much less the whole world, that the person you love is a jerk. You can admit that to yourself but not to anyone. So, yes, Kris Aquino, I believe that may not have been love. Not TRUE love anyway but some sub-form of it I guess.

No Explanations Needed

It simply means not being answerable to anyone but to yourself and only to your God.

I am responsible for my thoughts, my actions and feelings. Whenever I feel happy or in a state of bliss, that is mine alone. No one can even imagine what sensations, what music the heart hears. Similarly, when the agitations start and pain becomes unbearable to the point of giving up, no one can feel it as deeply as I do let alone pretend to understand what that is. Feelings don't require understanding, it is just 'felt'.

My pain just like my happiness belongs only to me and to no one else. Everyone has their own set of emotions, distinct and separate from each other. While we can only empathize or sympathize with one another, at the end of the day we do not know exactly what one feels. There is only a certain point that you can allow anyone to get near to what you are experiencing at the moment but no way can anyone breach that line. Even if you say 'oh I'm so happy!' or 'hey, I feel so low' that is just a mild description of what is really going on inside. No on really has an idea how your happiness or your heartache feels. That is simply your own and you don't owe anyone an explanation..

My July Verse

Haven't written poetry in a while. Not even those short verses or what one can call my version of the haiku. Still, this heart and mind wouldn't let me rest and I just have to come up with this, even if it doesn't make much sense to others, my emotions can pretty much discern what it means:

Close to calling it all off,Seemingly nonchalant,
one moment totally unaffected, then the heart on alert the next instant.
It doesn't come as near as the magic of yore,
couldn't even be defined as a thumping force anymore
but this we could not deny, things always would come up just as before
to make us realize that's really what we are here for.

The Tootsie Roll Days

Each time there's a heavy downpour outside and dark clouds above, I am sometimes almost brought back to those long gone days when I was a child. When my mom was still around.How i loved the rainy days and cherished some of the typhoons then. Sure, there were super typhoons in the past but none of the kinds we had to deal with the past couple of years. Or maybe I was just too naive then, so innocent and unmindful of what's going on around us. We were all safely cocooned inside our own shells and seemingly content so whatever damage those past typhoons may have done were lost on me. Didn't even came to my attention. I believe that is the feeling that i am hoping to recapture in trying to reminisce about those past moments - the contentment, the simplicity of things minus the clutter and information overload and the disturbing facts of life. One can say I almost lived a sheltered life as a youngster, self-absorbed in my own little world.

What I love then each time Signal No. 2 or 3 was raised apart from the suspension of classes & more playtime is that our mom gets to stay at home. For she too was a hardworking woman, responsible for bringing food to our table so it was such a
rare treat to have her around in the morning throughout lunch and dinner cooking our comfort foods and just bantering w/the kids during those wet, cold and windy times. Back then, all I felt was pure warmth and love.

Another childhood memory I wouldn't mind playing repeatedly in my head are those days when my father would come home for lunch on work days bringing with him some of that good old choco candy 'Flat Tops' for us kids. Flat Tops seemed tastier & richer compared to what's now being sold on the market. Probably Ricoa did some cost-cutting, scrimping on a few ingredients here and there.

Or it can also mean that my taste buds were more sensitive then, apparently not yet numbed by too much caffeine, alcohol, spicy foods or whatever.

There were also some of those treats from yesteryears that I don't see much of these days. I wonder if they still exist to this day. Does any one of you remember Tootsie Rolls? Those chewy chocolate candies that come in small, medium, large sizes. We used to buy lots of them at our neighborhood sari-sari stores taking small, slow kiddie bites.

And the Magnolia Chocolait in a bottle. Somehow it never tasted the same again after they replaced the containers with either the plastic bottle or tetrapak kind.

Even Chippy and Clover chips tasted differently today than they used to when we were younger. But i don't believe that taste is in the tongue of the eater. I know for a fact that some of these food manufacturers are now using different ingredients to go w/ the latest technology. And that's why their long gone tastes will now only be in our memories, much like the moments that cannot be re-enacted the same way inasmuch as we are now living and dealing w/ different people and a totally different environment - no more Mama and Papa, and the storms and typhoons more violent than ever..

Still it's nice to look back on those things that can bring a smile to our faces. Those warm recollections that could help us move forward toward a better future. And reminding us that good things do exist and can be felt throughout space and time.

The Lure of the Vampire

And in this modern day and age, one would think that we have outgrown the mesmerizing stare of the vampire. Yes, I understand the fascination about this immortal creature, at once sexy and menacing - oh, what a lot of girls (and ladies) would like in their men. A mixture of the wild with the mysterious & the strength unmatched by creatures of lesser form.

I know why movies like Twilight, and its sequels and tv shows like Vampire Diaries were such big hits - it's just the lure of the vampire!

Something about vampires we just couldn't resist. That sudden rush, the bliss of an impending bite into one's neck.. somehow we could not help ourselves but embrace the moment knowing that we are either doomed or may suffer immortality. And the fun part about it is we just don't care even if we die from the sharp fangs (when even the glint of that fang can send shivers of delight and horror at one instant). Isn't that the kind of rush one feels when one is deeply in love or enamored with someone?

I know it would be a frightening ordeal to live as an immortal but once the vampire had you in his grip, and breathing down your neck - you just want him to forge ahead afraid that any hesitation on his part may lead you to change your mind or push him away. Not that any push or shove from a mere human like you can put him off but then you just get drawn by that embrace even if it means you will have to live your life forever, even if that is one boring existence, with friends dying on you. that would be a lonely life indeed and one you must share with an equal immortal like Ex-president GMA. Yes, I get the feeling she is an immortal - the lady that just won't fade into the night.

Back to the vampires. It is safe to say that somehow, despite these threats, we are and will always be attracted to the vampire.. that dark, sinister eyes.. which somehow pretty much sums up the kind of relationship I have with my own dark knight.. who is not wearing an armor by the way..