Mama-on her 15th Death Anniversary (Nov. 25, 2008)

Can't believe it's been 15 years since that fateful day of 25th November, 1993. I can still remember an entry I wrote on my journal (back in those days when blogs have yet to hit mainstream) and I quote, 'my mom died so I could live'.

No, she did not gave up her life so that I'll survive, I'm not referring to a medical emergency but I meant that as a metaphorical. Because back then I was uber-shy even in school, someone so afraid to take risks, being too dependent on the love, care and support of my mom. Actually, the same thing can also be said of my siblings. All of us then look up to our mother as the be all and end all of our existence. Back then, living without her seemed unimaginable. That had been a greatest fear for me to lose her.. And suddenly, without warning, an accident took her away from us forever and henceforth transformed us all.

Soon, I was drawn into another universe, finding myself inside her world then. Mama used to work in sales and I sort of took off from where she left, getting in touch w/ her clients and before I knew it, I was already a part of the most volatile department at work. Pitted against super-competitive and very aggressive individuals, not too mention some petty to the not-so-petty intrigues that came my way. I would say I didn't come out of that unscathed, though somehow that made me stronger. Plus, being in sales opened me up to a lot of endless possibilities, with loads of cash to burn too. And I have gained worthwhile and very fun experiences just being part of the world of sales. I couldn't have lived that life (was almost running in the fast lane) if I remained glued inside my shell when Mama was alive.

Now I think I have just one regret - I could have jump-started my life much earlier and not waited before she's gone so that she and I could enjoy the lifestyle that I enjoyed back then. Could have taken her out to dinner, to girls' nights out. I know she would have loved that. For Mama was a very friendly person, very outgoing and warm at the same time. She also loved music, songs, the movies, dancing. Mama always had kind words for everyone and a good listener and adviser too that she was often sought out by friends whenever they have problems, even young people seek her out. Those friends of my brother and sister who are experiencing heartaches, etc. They would all seek her out. And I would have loved to seek her out too when my heart broke the first time as it now habitually does..

Mama never went out to parties, no bar-hoppings or nights out like I was wont to do. For she was all too caring, always putting her children first, reserving all her time and energy for her family. Even on that very day she had that accident (on this same date), she was actually hard at work earning her keep to put food on our table. She was about to return to her office after seeing her clients and to get her commissions for the sales made that date when it happened. Never thought that her life, our light, would all be gone in a matter of seconds. In much the same way that the speeding truck hit her as she crossed the road. And now I can only look back and say a prayer and a million thanks to her, for the love and care and strength she has shown and given us.

To thank her too for introducing me to a life, though imperfect, is still something to be treasured and find solace in. And for teaching me to cherish people while we still have them around, to appreciate even the littlest gestures, the simplest hi or hello, to be happy with the thought that while nothing is permanent, being alive to feel pain and sadness and experience their counterpart of happiness and joy is enough. That indeed, I can always tell myself that I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE, even if in time I too would reach the end of my journey...

Our International Airport & My Mixed Emotions

The Departure Area or lobby of the NAIA always evokes mixed feelings within me. There was at once a feeling of exhiliration with a tinge of apprehension if I was the one boarding the departing plane with a little sadness thinking of those I'll be leaving behind, however briefly. But nothing can compare to what I feel this morning. Today, I was supposed to send off the love of my life as he prepares for his flight to Dubai but I missed him by a few minutes because of the horrid traffic in Edsa, Makati. I wasn't able to say my prompt goodbyes and only caught him by phone about 20 mins. before he boarded his plane when we hurriedly bid our goodbyes and shouted our 'i love you's' with a promise to stay in touch. It was sad, at the same time I was hit by nostalgia as I went inside the main departure lobby just near the entrance to the boarding gates. Normally, I feel excited stepping into those same passageways and lanes but those days belong to the past, when I was part of the delegates to attend the yearly Time Inc. conferences. Stepping into those same large hallway, surrounded by bustling travelers with a worried look on some OFWs queuing at the check-in counters, brought back those happy memories with people I also cherish and became part of my professional and personal life. But in this case, the feeling was overshadowed by my intense longing for that one special person in my life,who after passing thru those immigration counters may be off to a brand new horizon, while I'm stuck in this country hounded by problems. I just have this feeling inside me that things may never be the same again between us and God only knows what's in store for us, for our relationship, and for our individual lives. If we are meant to be lovers still or will we become just the best of friends in the future. And i am also filled with regret thinking our last few days together before this 21st of Nov. 07 were not enough to bid each other our last farewells.

Such is the irony of airports. The place is teeming with activities, a lot of emotions from people, foreign and locals alike. SOme happy to be leaving the country, others hesitant and fearful, some amazed while those left behind sinks to depression and a feeling of deprivation, of not having to touch or see the face of their loved ones again for a long time. At once a place of euphoria and despair.

But there is brightness too amid the cold, gray skies of this day and the chaos at the departure area, shown by strangers assisting another stranger. I say this based on this morning's experience, when two staff of GulfAir, who perhaps sensing my agitation and disappointment over missing my honey's flight offered to deliver my letter to him in person before his plane took off. And that is one of those unexpected things that we encounter, feeling a stranger's concern over another's plight. Showing us that in times of turmoil and despite the commotions at the airport, there is always plenty of reason to smile, to be amused and be amazed. Again, proving that International airports can both signify a beginning as well as an end...

Crispy Pata Nites!

Ah! What sumptuous feast it is.. At least, that's what a meal with your old, reliable and very Crispy Pata seems to signify. A taste of the fun times shared with people we like. Yes, I've come to look forward to those fun-filled moments, where we not just share a drink of iced-cold San Mig Lite or Strong Ice, or perhaps a frozen margarita but also have our fill of the so-called pulutan topped by that crispy pata. The manner itself of partaking in such a delightful delicacy is consistent to the theme of friendship and teamwork. It's like there is this one whole part of meat or pork that each of you share w/ one another, that you all try to finish together, dipping the crisp & juicy meat into one spicy, sweet and sour concoction (suka't toyo, if you must) and delighting in every morsel and every drop of vinegar on your lips. Something to relish in the same way we relish that special moment of camaraderie, a celebration of friendship. Never imagined that eating out and having a night out that include such food, your simple crispy pata can be equated with fine friendship - truly a feast to savor, and reminding us all that despite our trials, our daily hassles, there is still something in this world worth capturing and worth re-living every now and then..

A poem -feb 14 of 1986

Love may mean a lot of things
to a lot of people..

Yet to me, love is just to have
-- someone to hold me and care for me,
someone to comfort me when i'm down,
one who stays a friend always.

And, to put it simply, love to me
is just merely having a man
as sweet and wonderful as you.

Felt once and still Waiting for my Own Personal Utopia

Woke up to the sound of knocking, but not on my door. It was just a noise emanating from the neighbor's , someone banging on their door - not something I care about. Groggily, slipped past the covers, checked for my cellphone's inbox. It read: 7:45AM no message. Time for my morning bath, as I hesitantly pulled clothes from my closet, undergarments and towels in hand, proceeded downstairs. Thought to myself: 'Late again for work. What a way to start Monday.. '

Briefly scanned the table, aiming for breakfast and there.. yes!!.. some semblance of the good life, saw the adobo, a left-over from dinner, with the wind barely wafting through windows, smells like rain. At that moment, it was almost magical, like the old days, days of yore when troubles are light years away.. as I pondered through my meal, a cup of piping hot coffee, sumptuous pork adobo w/ shards of liver and hmm, newly-cooked rice amidst an almost cool and wet morning. Ah! felt like utopia, albeit briefly. As I wait still, to this day, ever hoping for my own personal utopia...